Love Language: Decluttering
I think I discovered a new Love Language. I know the others: receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, touch, acts of service...and, yesterday, I think a new one showed up for me: decluttering. Maybe this is an Act of Service, and maybe it stands on its own. It could also be that wonderful rush of love you feel when your partner shows you that what you care about, he cares about too.
It was dinnertime and our enchiladas were just finishing up in the oven. The kids were on screens and I was moving our Give-Away Pile to the driveway for easy pick up the next morning. I wanted help with this huge project, but Kevin was in his closet, on a tear, getting rid of stuff. He grabbed a bin and was filling it with his unwanted clothes.
At the same time I was annoyed that he wasn’t helping and that he was choosing this inconvenient moment to clear out his closet, I tried to remind myself that this was EXACTLY what I wanted him to and to keep him on task. I want him to clean out his stuff. I want him to feel the same urgency and excitement about getting clear, both mentally and physically. This was wonderful, even though it didn’t totally feel wonderful.
We ended up with a huge, HUGE pile for Give Away. We decided to get rid of two, lower-end side tables as a pair, and keep our nicer (and larger, much heavier) ones until we can get rid of them as a pair. This was a huge problem for us earlier in the week and yesterday, we were very clear about it and even on the same page. It felt so much better to be on the same page. I told him I think this is my new Love Language.
I know I was really out of line this week when I told him that I can’t live in this house unless I can declutter it. I didn’t mean it to, but I was threatening our relationship when I said that. He was really hurt. And, I stand by what I said. It’s really, deeply important to me that I can jettison what’s not serving us as a family so we can have more time together. I hate spending so much time on our stuff - collecting, washing, folding, putting away, reorganizing. I want a lot less stuff to manage and deal with.
During this process, I’ve been collecting my “valuable” and “beautiful” things that I haven’t been able to use in my life. I stash them in a separate “Give Away” pile so I can think about letting them go a little longer. The gorgeous, Limoges, miniature pear that was a wedding gift, the heavy, thick glass heart-shaped bowl that was an engagement gift, the blue and white porcelain dish my German cousins shipped over. I love these items. They are so beautiful to me. And, they are not useful. Kevin hates the blue and white piece. The pear is not useful, but as a knick-knack, and the heart bowl begs to be filled with m&ms and that is not my life right now. It’s hard, I get it, and...if things are not useful to me, I can’t justify keeping them. I can keep something that is useful and not beautiful, but I prefer not to. But, I just can’t keep beauty without a purpose.
Having Kevin clear out his stuff was so satisfying to me. It said to me - I can do this too. You are safe here, you don’t have to leave, I can do this. And so, here we go, on this journey together, for less stuff and more time.
